Sunday, January 13, 2008

And now a fictional asshole will answer your questions

Name: Tod Y. Jehovah
Job Title: C.E.O., Managing Director
Department: Everything
Line Manager: Myself
Start Date: The beginning
Time in Current Role: 200 years
Date of Psychological Assessment: 2nd March 56872

1. Well, I'm glad we got to sit down and have this chat Caroline, my apologies for taking so long. You know how it is, being in charge and all, very busy. You really should come out to dinner with me you know...I value my employees mental health above all else and it is extremely important. A representation of me and my business of course. I couldn't have any of them snapping could I?

//Very astute of you//

Yes. My name is Mr Jehovah and I am in charge of this model building project. I first got my break when the Commissioner of Moving Parts, I'm sure you heard about his untimely death, very tragic of course. Yes, well, he saw that I was an up and coming worker and gave me the tools I needed to start this business. I don't tell the story very often of course, but I do want to encourage anyone who may read this to remind their employers of their own determination one will be reading this? Well then why am I giving this interview?

//Every business should have a mental health check-up, you just said...// question please Caroline.

2. My role? I run the entire thing! Every decision, every hard decision, is mine to make. Employees have to be kept in line and yet happy at the same time. It's a very delicate balance; I have to be on guard at all times. Some people...well, I'm sure you of all people can guess which ones are the trouble makers, in fact you will have that report for me yes?

//These are confidential Mr J//

You can call me Tod. Well, I expect you to fix them at least.


3. I think they hate me. I mean this whole 'God' business is beginning to be a problem. It isn't a nice nickname and regardless it is just trying to make me crack under the pressure. Subterfuge really! Micromanagement gone mad, and I keep telling Stan that if we just left them alone they would forget about it but of course he is a bleeding heart woman underneath all that chest hair. Only a woman could see a loss of stock as some sort of emotional crisis.

Of course I shouldn't have hired my sister, that was the mistake. But I will get her you wait. All of those years taking the last biscuits, stealing the television. It won't last forever, the tide will turn my way.

The 'workers' love me though. I'm proud to say that. I treat them right I do.

4. Well, when an important man like the commissioner gives you an opportunity like this one! I could hardly say no could I? He obviously saw I had the brains for it. And after his death I knew it was what he would have wanted, the two practically coinciding and all! I see it almost as his dying wish...

5. Brilliant! We have just finished reconstruction from that unfortunate incident with the octogenarian. Stan was going to foot the bill but we generously decided to pay for it instead.

//Who is we?//

Well, me and Gabriella, upper management and all.

//Does Gabriella make a lot of decisions with you?//

My word is final you must understand, but of course I consult her on all matters! For example, it was my idea to have a dungeon fitted in the basement, as a recreation room you understand, the D&D meets we hold for employees need to go somewhere! Of course after consulting Gabriella on this it was I who realised the financial implications of actually running the thing would drain the company dry.

Sometimes she does get ideas in her head. The other day, and I tell you this in confidence, she wanted to install some water coolers and bean bags, you know, for the migrants. There is no benefit to the company there! I told her that if they actually worked the full 18 hour days they are assigned I might consider it. She threw a tantrum of course but at the end of the day it is my decision.

//Mr J...//


//...Tod, what about those bags in the rec-room?//

The bag...? *standing up he looks out of the office window and see's the bean bags in the corner* Sonofabitch! Well, she will be reprimanded I assure you.

6. Management improve? I didn't authorise that question...well, I suppose employee feedback is important. Nothing of course! Everything is running as it should be. I can't see anyone but the known complainers having much to say for that.

7. 10 years....I would like a woman I think, maybe one of those Asian girls, yes. And a large house in the mountains, with an annex for mother. That would be bliss.

8. Well, being so close to home I get to spend a lot of time there. Mother does occasionally have complaints about the amount of noise we're making. And of course there are the occasional problems when I try to use "her things" - I always find that so cute, as though she paid for anything in the damn house! Mostly though it is just a power struggle between the two of us, and I can't overshadow my own mother can I? I just have to remember that I am the Lord of my manner and a guest of my mothers I suppose.

//Do you ever see yourself leaving your mothers? What about friends?//

Of course I have plenty of those! I mean we have the D&D meets, not to mention the various communities I've created online. You have to know your market you see. Being a Galalea with 12 Disquiet is all well and good but if you can't influence and cajole those around you, or even persuade them to buy your miniatures then what is the point? Yes, the RP community owes me much, I am repaid in kind....

//Yes but your moth..//

9. No, no woman for me yet. I mean I would like to have a girlfriend, but they're all so inaccessible. It doesn't seem to matter how much power or influence you hold or where you hold it! I have been on dates, don't get me wrong! I know how to show a lady a good time. It's just that...ok, and example. The last date I went on, I was pepper sprayed. I had taken this wonderful angel of a creature out to dinner, she didn't seem too interested in her food. I presented her with jewellery, we had spent months on this courtship. I made such an effort and she seemed to be interested in the workings of Earth and these 'humans' I'd made. I invited her to my next RP meeting, she agreed, it was going wonderfully. And yet the minute I try and get close! Pepper spray. No, I don't have the time to be dealing with that at the moment.

Add to that that mother doesn't like for me to share a room with anyone. She really is the only woman for me for the time being...

//Oh, look at the time! I'm very sorry Mr...Tod, but I have to go.//

Are you sure? It hasn't been that long and I would love to buy you a drink...

//No, patients don't like to wait//

Of course, well here's my.....*door slams shut*....number.

No comments: