Saturday, December 29, 2007

Oh for god's sake let me go on bottom

This is probably just my train of logic. Not everyone gets on the same express but dear God surely no one is this hard to unravel, one person has caught on. And it took him....5 years and an entire bottle of absinthe? (Ah that fateful night)

There is a difference between having a dominant personality, or indeed having a need for control, and being a bit insane. I fall in to the latter category and I'm sure this will be evidenced by a host of things as the next month + lack of cigarettes + lack of lithium will inevitably = many many hallucinations and psychotic episodes.

The first two categories can be beautiful things if you find the right partner. In fact the first two categories are the things I am screaming out for in a partner. This is because the third category puts you in an interesting situation. (For the sake of skipping out on SOME logic here, we're just going to assume that everyone has the crazy I have and to hell with it).

A person who has problems with intimacy, who has a psychotic episode when put in charge of a situation, whose particular psychosis means a charming girl called Elena appears, will LOVE being in control. That person will feel a rush comparable to no other and will be very good at what they are doing as long as the person they're controlling doesn't have a problem with their submission. Safety words are not an option when someone who would be turned on by the sight of your blood is in charge.

To be completely hyperbolic Elena is the dark. The dark is a wonderful place to live, but it will either kill you or lead you down the hardest path possible. There is no shame, the are no regrets, there is only the moment. And damn does the moment feel good. Elena moments have included ripping the skin from my legs. How can that feel good you ask? Pain is pleasure, if you do it right.

So trying to avoid the dark really. Although how do you explain that to someone? Oh, I don't want to do this because I will enjoy it too much, we will enter a downwards, co-dependent spiral and then one of us will try to commit suicide. How do you know that will happen? Well, please take a look at anyone I have so much as been on a date with.

Anyway! This person, wants something else. They want someone who can look the beast in the eye and say: Shut the fuck up and lie down like a good girl.

I'm going to shut up now because I'm rather high and its very late and I'm sounding increasingly stupid in my frustrations. But suffice to say goddammit why the hell do men keep asking me to be in charge? This one appears to be Master material as well. I'd love to convince myself it was solely to bring down my barriers but not even I am self-involved enough to think that. Its just....eurgh! So fucking infuriating!

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